Deface Marketing

How can I get my penis to stop tilting to the left? It’s very annoying!
- Lefty from the Hill

	Use your right hand from now on. Other than that, you can try lying on your side and hanging weights from your ding dong. I don’t really think there’s much you can do. Just deal with it. Invent a new position that will put it to a good use. Like this one: lie on your back, then have your fuck buddy sit on top sideways so that
	she is facing the direction your tilt is going. That way, you’ll hit her G-spot and become an amazing orgasm machine.

Here’s the problem, I’ve met a wonderful man that I’m gonna marry (that isn’t the problem). My ex and I work at the same place and I’m terrified of running into him because of what I might say or do. I’m even angrier that I still think about this guy! - Spitfire in Cranberry

If you’re thinking of your ex, you better re-think this marriage. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly and if you still have feelings for this other guy, you better make up your damn mind fast before you ruin your fiancée’s life and any kids that might be so unfortunate to be born to you. He’s obviously an ex for a reason. Maybe you need to find a new job if you don’t want to see him anymore. Otherwise, you better just find a way to avoid him and live happily ever after with your new husband.

	I’m a 32-year-old full-time customer service rep and part time reservist. I’m an attractive guy and have a great personality, but I have a major problem! My backside is covered with boils, hives and acne. On my dates, things go great until the clothes come off and women run screaming. What can I do to banish this problem? - P.A.M. in West Virginia

		You’re from West Virginia, so that explains your shear stupidity. Do you really have to write in to a magazine for someone to wake you up and tell you to get your nasty ass to a doctor? Hello! They do make creams for that shit. As for the dates, I don’t blame them, I’d scream, too! Only, I’d probably beat your ass first. Save these poor girls the agony and the sheer grossness and don’t date until you grow a brain and get rid of the pizza ass.

	Simple question. Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at the same time? I’m about to ask my girlfriend of two years to marry me, but I still think about my ex. My new girl makes me happy, but I’m confused! -Ed in East Liberty

	Simple answer. People like you are the reason there are more divorces than lasting marriages. Why the fuck would you ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you if you’re not even sure you love her? You have some serious thinking to do. You can’t love two people at the same time unless you love neither of them. Loving someone enough to marry them and spend
	every single day with them requires every drop of love your heart has. If there is even the slightest doubt, don’t ask her unless you want to purposely break her heart and destroy her life.

	Here’s the situation. I come from a big family. My sister thinks I’m the devil! I’m not, well, at least most of the time! We have different opinions on every thing, she disagrees with everything I do! Help! Do you think we could ever be close? - Misfit in Monroeville

Sounds like the typical sibling rivalry. It might get better as you get older. It might get worse. The best thing to do is either keep your mouth shut and have peace, or kick her ass and get it over with. A good beat down always taught my brother a lesson. If that’s not an option, I’m sure you have a friend or two that can handle the job. She’s your sister, so you won’t be rid of her until one of you is dead. If that’s what it takes…