Deface Marketing

	My girlfriend won’t have sex with me. We’ve done it once in the last 2 months! When I try to talk to her about it, she says that’s all I ever want to talk about. She thinks that’s all I think about, but it’s not. It’s not like I’m asking for it every day or anything! – Deprived in Cranberry, PA

	Women have different needs than men. Are you being romantic enough? Try candles and a nice long back rub to put her in the mood. Sometimes all you need is a change. Suggest role playing, buy a f ew toys or try out a new position. Jealousy can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Try flirting with another girl in front of her. If all else fails, you may want to invest in a good blow up doll, lots of hand lotion or a few sweaty hours with a professional. No cash? Then find a nice, scanky girl who’s not afraid to put out.

I am a stripper and my left nipple is larger than my right. Can these be evened up? - Sasha in New York City

	Um, well, being that I’m not a plastic surgeon, I don’t know for sure, but if they can put holes in them, move them around and make any other part on your body bigger or smaller, I would think they could handle it. Find a good doctor, then get started harassing your insurance company to pay for it. Since it’s corrective and not just for pleasure, you should be able to do it, but it will take some effort. Insurance companies won’t willingly loosen their tight hold
	on their money for prettier breasts. You might as well get an enlargement while you’re at it. If you’re a stripper, it’ll make you more money and what guy doesn’t like bigger breasts?

I have a question about douche. Should I or shouldn’t I and what’s the difference? - Delores in Penn Hills

		Douche is normally used to clean out your snatch. Since it is a naturally cleaning organ, you shouldn’t need to unless you get some kind of gross infection or something. It can dry you out, so be careful if you do use it. If you have some stench or nastiness, go to the doc and get your dirty ass cleaned up.

I am a doctor by day and a peeping Tom by night. However, my lifestyle is becoming confusing and emotionally unsatisfying. I pray for the day when I can come clean and have a satisfying emotional relationship. I can no longer live through others. I am becoming a mean, hollow shell of what I once was! My fear is that women will reject me due to my height and lack of penile girth. Nurse, please help! - Dr. S. Brodsky

	I am not the one to help you. I suggest checking yourself into a good institution and getting serious help. Women will run from you only if they are smart! Your height and member size are the least of your issues! My favorite thing about this letter is that you’re a doctor. Hmmm. This is why I only see Doc Espling. The medical personnel these days is truly fucked. They do extensive background checks on people who want to buy a gun, which they will use only to eliminate some other dumbass in the world, but they let anyone have a PH.D and cut people open! If you really need to get off by watching someone else, try a damn porno. Better yet, why don’t you get a life? Maybe then you could get some for yourself instead of spying on those more fortunate than you.